SETTING STANDARDS

Time, warmth, intimacy and love are all fundamental to our children’s happiness and well-being. So are standards. Letting your children know the standards that are most important to you, and expecting them to be honored is a critical step in creating a peaceful home. This doesn’t mean autocratic rules and an unwillingness to compromise; what it does mean is deciding what’s most important, being completely clear on what it is, and following through.

When I was raising my kids as a single mom, these were the standards I held highest:
- We treat each other with love and respect.
- We don’t hurt each other physically or verbally.
- We listen to Mom and speak to her respectfully, whether or not we agree with what she has to say.

At our family meetings, when we put together guidelines for a peaceful family, these standards were interwoven with guidelines my children suggested. Being clear on what was important to me, helped them understand what I expected. We can never assume that our kids automatically know what our expectations are. Expectations can change from day to day, mood to mood, so it’s essential to get clear on what yours are in your own mind first.

The majority of parents I’ve talked to who’ve had trouble with their kids’ behavior admit that they’ve been inconsistent in conveying what their standards are. They’ve also been inconsistent in sticking to them. If one of your standards is “There is no physical fighting,” be one hundred per cent clear that this is non-negotiable. Then even on bad days when your nerves are shot and you’re energy’s drained, don’t ignore a physical fight. Physical fighting, like put-downs, has no positive purpose and does not belong in our homes.

Explain why your standards are important so your children don’t see them as arbitrary. For example, “Physical fighting only makes things worse. Can you imagine if your dad and I belted each other every time we got mad, or if I punched my boss punched each time we had a disagreement?”

Try this exercise: What standards are most important to you? Reflect on this, and write about it. Brainstorm a list of standards and then choose the top three or four. As much as possible, frame them in the positive, e.g.: We treat each other with kindness and respect. We work out our differences using words, not fists. We listen when Mom and Dad ask us to do something. Now have a family meeting and tell your children what your standards are. Find out what’s important to them too, and come up with some guidelines for a peaceful home.

By having clear, consistent standards and limits, you’ll cut back power struggles and extended periods of nagging. When I was teaching first grade many years ago, I still remember one child turning to a boy who was used getting his way by badgering his parents, and saying, “Nagging doesn’t work with Mrs. Drew so you might as well forget it!” Children learn very quickly not to waste energy nagging and whining when they don’t get what they want from it. By honoring our own standards and sticking by what we say, children start to see that manipulation doesn’t get them anywhere.

Our standards and limits create the firm ground that our children walk on. Each time we ignore our own standards it’s like the ground beneath our children’s feet opens up and their foundation becomes shaky. Renowned child psychologist, Haim Ginnott once said, “Children depend on the adults in their lives to set limits for them until they are old enough to do so for themselves.” By consistently setting fair limits and honoring our own standards we teach our children that the ground they walk on is solid.

Does that mean never compromising? Absolutely not. The trick here is to compromise when you think it’s the best thing to do, not when your children have worn you down. In fact it’s a good idea to think ahead of time about areas where you are willing to compromise. This is particularly important with teens and pre-teens whose growing independence is nurtured by a balance of compromise and limits. Discussing decisions and hearing out your kids is so important. Even if you don’t plan to change your mind about a decision you’ve made, give your child a chance to air his or her feelings (respectfully). Listening, more than anything gives kids a sense of being respected. What we give out, we get back.

I remember talking with a spirited teen named Quinn when I was writing my last book. Her words have always stuck with me. She said, “I’ve learned by my mom’s example to do what’s right. I completely respect her. She negotiates with me instead of just telling me what to do. She helps me understand her reasoning. I want to do what she asks because I love her so much. You do things out of the heart.”

Positive discipline requires us to walk a fine line between laying down the law and negotiating, sticking to our guns and compromising, being caring and being firm.

In this regard, here’s an exercise you might want to try:

What current discipline issue are you dealing with? Go to a quiet spot, close your eyes and take some slow deep breaths. Ask your wise self (your most intuitive place) what to do about this particular issue. Breathe deep and invite the wisest part of yourself to provide insights. When you are finished, write down whatever came up.

Peaceful parenting requires true intentionality, just a peace in the world does. As we know all to well, peace doesn’t just happen spontaneously. It needs our help. And it’s critical that we nurture it on every level - within ourselves, our families, our communities, and the world. Home is the place where peace starts, and the person it starts with is you.

From the Peaceful Parents Newsletter.