How Santa Makes Out His Christmas List

by Kristin Johnson

How Does Santa Make Out His List?

I’ll let you in on a secret: I know Santa Claus. And I received a letter from him with his Christmas list.

Dear Kristin,
Thank you for the homemade cookies last year. For some reason, people seem to forget that I’m not planning to lose weight, thank you very much. I don’t have a peanut allergy and I’m not lactose intolerant. Up here at the North Pole, we don’t get nonsense like that. But you wouldn’t believe some of the notes I get in lieu of cookies.

‘Santa, you’re too fat, get real, love Dr. Phil…Dear Santa, you’re in violation of the no-fly zone, signed, the Coalition…Dear Santa, you’re using slave labor and oppressing our elf minorities, peace, the Rev. Jesse Jackson…Dear Santa, you’re cruel to reindeer, sincerely, PETA…Dear Infidel Santa, we shall eliminate you, signed al-Qa’eda.’

I was never designed to be politically correct. Right jolly old elf and all that. I’m tired of all this nonsense from people who have forgotten what Christmas used to stand for.

So, here’s my Christmas list. I won’t stop delivering toys, but I will start at least expecting a little something in return after all these years.

1. Dear al-Qa’eda: I have nothing against Allah. Or Jesus Christ or Buddha or anybody’s God. I dislike murder in the name of religion. I deliver to all the children who you’re going to someday teach to blow themselves up. I deliver love. Your mullahs always say Islam is a religion of love and peace. And for the record, several of my elves are gay. Do I hate them? No.

2. Dear television news media: Please stop saying ‘Christmas stress.’ You create Christmas stress. Thousands of miracles happen every day from babies being born to people being rescued to children deciding that someone else needs help. And yet you deliberately choose to talk about alcoholism, murder, sex, family quarrels, and above all, endless materialism. Not to mention celebrities. Who elevated these people to all-knowing status? Who cares what Christmas toy they buy or endorse? And please stop criticizing people for having religious beliefs. If the President of the United States can’t express faith in God, there is something wrong with this world. You are only helping those who use religion as an excuse for hatred and greed.

3. Dear celebrities: Stop making movies where I am the bad guy. There is precious little wonder and innocence in children’s lives. And while you’re at it, stop taking your clothes off and blowing up people in your films. Give me more ‘Seabiscuit.’ Steven Spielberg is always on my nice list. I loved the ‘Shrek’ movies.

4. Dear advertising executives: Stop using me to sell things that no one uses. We don’t need all this stuff. It’s getting in the way of our family time, our planet’s well-being, our faith and our happiness.

5. Dear parents: Please stop telling children I don’t exist, that I’m evil, and that it’s not necessary to be good all year because you will buy them what they want. Whatever happened to kindness? To being good just because it makes someone happy? Because it’s the right thing? I can tell you right now that there are quite a few kids, and several of you, who are getting coal in their stockings. It’s tough love, which is what you do when someone’s headed down the wrong road. It’s called parenting and I’ve got millions of your children to help raise. Hey, at least I’m not the government. Or the television. By the way, turn off all those electronic devices and spend time with your families. I know that there are plenty of you out there who would give your right arm to be able to do just that. I love children. And I love all of you too.

6. Dear Dr. Phil: I’m happy just the way I am. Thank you.

7. Dear PETA: You’re getting too extreme. My reindeer have better working conditions than in industrialized nations.

8. Dear Rev. Jesse Jackson: When my elves have the victim consciousness, high teen pregnancy rate, high arrest rate, high drug use rate, and lack of education that your followers have, then I’ll consider emancipating them.

9. Dear Coalition: God and I were here first. I’m immune from no-fly zones and I don’t play politics. I do however support the military.

10. Dear Jesus Christ, YHVH, Allah, Buddha, Great Spirit, et al.: Keep up the good work.

Love, Santa.

P.S. from Mrs. Claus: Will women please stop trying to be a size 2?

You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout...

Movie reviewer/screenwriter Kristin Johnson composes personalized poems, speeches, toasts, vows, and family memories.