Tuesday, November 25, 2003

This came to me via e-mail shortly after September 11. I think we could change the word Afghanistan to Iraq. What do you think?

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!


Thursday, November 20, 2003

Classes for Men


Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and
Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
(Note: this class meets at O'Malley's Brew Pub on 16th Street)

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday

Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places
instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at
7:00PM for 2 hours.

Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost. Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.

Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries
and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.

Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.


Thursday, November 13, 2003

Of the blessing set before you, make your choice and be content.

~ Samuel Johnson


Thursday, November 06, 2003

What Hallmark doesn't print:

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

4. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder. What the hell was I thinking?

5. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

6. How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?

7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you ... I've changed my mind.

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life... I never believed in Hell till I met you.

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me.

10. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

11. Someday I hope to get married...but not to you.

12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!

13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

14. We have been friends for a very long time... let's say we stop?

15. I'm so miserable without you ... it's almost like you're here.

16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.

18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Tennessee, Kentucky and West Virginia)