Friday, December 30, 2005

What I learned in 2005

Click on the link…………it is worth the read.

As I've Matured


Thursday, December 22, 2005

Baking Cookies With Your Cat!

  1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
  2. Get cup of coffee.
  3. Get cat off of cookbook.
  4. Find that special recipe.
  5. Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
  6. Go to fridge and get eggs.
  7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
  8. Break eggs in small bowl.
  9. Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
  10. Answer the phone.
  11. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
  12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
  13. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
  14. Throw flour out and get more.
  15. Preheat oven for cookies.
  16. Looking at cat & wanting to bake cat now. Cat runs for cover into bathroom.
  17. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
  18. Big crash in bathroom; run to see what happened.
  19. Cat has TP all over floor; stuff spilled and knocked over on top of bathroom counter.
  20. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
  21. Can sense cat is angry.
  22. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
  23. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs.
  24. Cleanup bathroom.
  25. Hear a thump in kitchen ... Oh Golly ... now what?
  26. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen.
  27. Try to pick out cat hairs from flour.
  28. Step on cat's tail and get bitten.
  29. Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies!!!


Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Yes, I know…here is another one of these……but come one….aren’t they just a little bit fun?~?~?~?~?

Welcome to the 2005 Holiday Edition of Getting to Know Your Friends! You know the drill. Copy (not forward) and change the answers to your answers. Enjoy!!

OK, here goes....

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Egg Nog, it’s sinful!
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under tree? wrap
3. Colored lights on tree/house? Colored
4. Do you hang mistletoe? nope
5. When do you put your decorations up? As late as possible but if the weather is warm I’ll put the outside lights up before Thanksgiving but I will never ever turn them on until the day after Thanksgiving
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Nothing special
7. What is your favorite holiday memory as a child? Watching Charlie Brown Christmas.
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? What?! There is no Santa! Just kidding. I was probably around 9.
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? We open some on Christmas Eve and the others on Christmas morning.
10. What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him? A variety...Chocolate Chip Cookies, Peanut Blossoms, Sugar Cookies....
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? If I have to go out in it, I dread it.
12. Can you ice skate? If you consider holding onto the railing ice skating.
3. Do you remember your favorite gift? None really stand out as my "favorite"
14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? making sure that my daughter is happy
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Pumpkin Cheesecake
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Baking cookies
17. What tops your tree? I silver star
18. Which do you prefer Giving or Receiving? Giving, honestly, it’s true.
19. What is your favorite Christmas Carol? The Christmas Carol with Allister Sims is buy far the best. The one with Patrick Stewart is pretty good too. And for the kids, The Muppet’s Christmas Carol.
20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? Yuk
21. What is your favorite holiday movie? Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. The Pigeon Lady always gets to me.


Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Whisky Christmas Cake

Thanks Joe!


1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 bottle of whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a largebowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's thehighest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter ina large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugarand beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cryanother tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and addto the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mixon the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in thebeaterers, pry it goose with a srewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for consisticity. Next, sift two cupsof salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one tablespoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.


Monday, December 19, 2005

Official Holiday Greeting

Happy Solstice
Happy Hanukkah
Merry Christmas
Happy Kwanza

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice (tm), practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting,
you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.



Thursday, December 15, 2005

Holiday Eating Tips

  1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots in a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
  2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine Irish Whiskey. In fact, it's even rarer than single malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
  3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
  4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
  5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
  6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10 pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
  7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
  8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
  9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
  10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

How Santa Makes Out His Christmas List

by Kristin Johnson

How Does Santa Make Out His List?

I’ll let you in on a secret: I know Santa Claus. And I received a letter from him with his Christmas list.

Dear Kristin,
Thank you for the homemade cookies last year. For some reason, people seem to forget that I’m not planning to lose weight, thank you very much. I don’t have a peanut allergy and I’m not lactose intolerant. Up here at the North Pole, we don’t get nonsense like that. But you wouldn’t believe some of the notes I get in lieu of cookies.

‘Santa, you’re too fat, get real, love Dr. Phil…Dear Santa, you’re in violation of the no-fly zone, signed, the Coalition…Dear Santa, you’re using slave labor and oppressing our elf minorities, peace, the Rev. Jesse Jackson…Dear Santa, you’re cruel to reindeer, sincerely, PETA…Dear Infidel Santa, we shall eliminate you, signed al-Qa’eda.’

I was never designed to be politically correct. Right jolly old elf and all that. I’m tired of all this nonsense from people who have forgotten what Christmas used to stand for.

So, here’s my Christmas list. I won’t stop delivering toys, but I will start at least expecting a little something in return after all these years.

1. Dear al-Qa’eda: I have nothing against Allah. Or Jesus Christ or Buddha or anybody’s God. I dislike murder in the name of religion. I deliver to all the children who you’re going to someday teach to blow themselves up. I deliver love. Your mullahs always say Islam is a religion of love and peace. And for the record, several of my elves are gay. Do I hate them? No.

2. Dear television news media: Please stop saying ‘Christmas stress.’ You create Christmas stress. Thousands of miracles happen every day from babies being born to people being rescued to children deciding that someone else needs help. And yet you deliberately choose to talk about alcoholism, murder, sex, family quarrels, and above all, endless materialism. Not to mention celebrities. Who elevated these people to all-knowing status? Who cares what Christmas toy they buy or endorse? And please stop criticizing people for having religious beliefs. If the President of the United States can’t express faith in God, there is something wrong with this world. You are only helping those who use religion as an excuse for hatred and greed.

3. Dear celebrities: Stop making movies where I am the bad guy. There is precious little wonder and innocence in children’s lives. And while you’re at it, stop taking your clothes off and blowing up people in your films. Give me more ‘Seabiscuit.’ Steven Spielberg is always on my nice list. I loved the ‘Shrek’ movies.

4. Dear advertising executives: Stop using me to sell things that no one uses. We don’t need all this stuff. It’s getting in the way of our family time, our planet’s well-being, our faith and our happiness.

5. Dear parents: Please stop telling children I don’t exist, that I’m evil, and that it’s not necessary to be good all year because you will buy them what they want. Whatever happened to kindness? To being good just because it makes someone happy? Because it’s the right thing? I can tell you right now that there are quite a few kids, and several of you, who are getting coal in their stockings. It’s tough love, which is what you do when someone’s headed down the wrong road. It’s called parenting and I’ve got millions of your children to help raise. Hey, at least I’m not the government. Or the television. By the way, turn off all those electronic devices and spend time with your families. I know that there are plenty of you out there who would give your right arm to be able to do just that. I love children. And I love all of you too.

6. Dear Dr. Phil: I’m happy just the way I am. Thank you.

7. Dear PETA: You’re getting too extreme. My reindeer have better working conditions than in industrialized nations.

8. Dear Rev. Jesse Jackson: When my elves have the victim consciousness, high teen pregnancy rate, high arrest rate, high drug use rate, and lack of education that your followers have, then I’ll consider emancipating them.

9. Dear Coalition: God and I were here first. I’m immune from no-fly zones and I don’t play politics. I do however support the military.

10. Dear Jesus Christ, YHVH, Allah, Buddha, Great Spirit, et al.: Keep up the good work.

Love, Santa.

P.S. from Mrs. Claus: Will women please stop trying to be a size 2?

You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout...

Movie reviewer/screenwriter Kristin Johnson composes personalized poems, speeches, toasts, vows, and family memories.


Sunday, December 11, 2005

Four Steps to a Day of Winter Fun

  • Tell everyone to pull on their layers and bring over their favorite winter outdoor activity equipment, such as sleds, skates, and cross-country skis. Hits the hills and have as much fun as you did when you were a kid.
  • When they've had enough, invite everyone over for a warm-up. Provide electric blankets, quilts, and pillows to make sure everyone is toasty and comfortable. Light candles or a fire in the fireplace. Play some smooth big band music to keep everyone in a festive mood.
  • To replenish lost energy, serve these easy refreshments: corn chowder made from two cans of cream of potato soup, two cans of creamed corn, and pepper onion flakes, garlic powder, paprika, and nutmeg to taste; crusty bread toasted with a light layer of butter and Italian seasoning; mulled wine made of cranberry juice, Burgundy or merlot, thin slices of citrus fruit, cinnamon, cloves, and allspice heated on the stove.
  • Have an indoor snowball fight. On a sheet of paper, write the name of a guest a stunt you would like him or her to perform. Crumple the sheets into balls and start a snowball fight. Set a timer for each round, and when it rings, the person with the most snowballs gets to open one up and read the name of the guest and the stunt.


Thursday, December 08, 2005

Group may picket Marine’s funeral

A church group from Topeka, Kansas, that says U.S. military casualties in Iraq are God’s punishment for America’s tolerance of homosexuality has indicated that it might picket the funeral of Marine Lance Cpl. Andrew Patten of Byron, Illinois, who was killed in action last week.

Give me a break! Let the family of this marine (of any soldier) mourn the loss of their son in peace.


Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Understand that the right to choose your own path is a sacred privilege. Use it. Dwell in possiblity. ~ Oprah Winfrey


Thursday, December 01, 2005

You Know You Are Living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.